Skulduggery Pleasant: The Most Random Thing I've Ever Written
by Clawdiana
Summary: Want people randomly exploding? This story got it! Want China Sorrows eating our favorite gun-slinging skeleton's hand? Woo! Want some characters derping around the Faceless Ones Realm? Yeah, OK. You get the picture right? RIGHT? Elbow Licking fun! Skulduggery's hat was the only thing that could save them all.. According to China. (I had the giggles writing this, it's all for fun)


The Silliest Thing I've Ever Written

Skulduggery glanced sideways at his companion, her hair covered her face as she stared out the Bentley's window. "Valkyrie?" He said, slightly worried. "Mm?" Came her reply. She continued to stare out the window. "You sure you want to go through with this?" He mumbled, his velvety voice now dripping with concern.  
Valkyrie nodded her head, 'Yes'. Skulduggery tilted his head in the gesture of a smile. "Alright then." With that, Skulduggery put on a sombrero and shot through the roof of the Bentley,  
Valkyrie started to play, "I Whip My Hair Back And Forth" on the radio at max volume and shouted, "ARRIIBAA!"She shot through the car roof as well and flailed around. They both danced on the broken remains of the Bentley, giggling and laughing hysterically. "What the hell are you two doing?" Came an angry voice, the pair froze, caught in the act. China Sorrows glared at them angrily a few meters away. Her beautiful eyes scanned the wreckage. Skulduggery giggled. Valkyrie licked her elbow. And with that, China hopped up on the car roof with them and danced crazily.  
"I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth!" The girls chanted, drawing a really badly drawn face on the back of Skulduggery's skull with lipstick. Valkyrie made a noise in between a burp and a cough. China fell off the wrecked car and broke one of her legs. She smiled and tapped the symbols carved near her butt. Rocket launchers appeared, seemingly summoned by the symbols. China Sorrows shot herself in the leg to fix it, then continued dancing. "Wait." Skulduggery murmured, suddenly. Both girls paused, staring at him. Skulduggery whipped out his phone and made an important call. Valkyrie wet herself in frustration. When the phone call was done, Skulduggery set fire to his hat. Valkyrie cheered!  
China frowned, "No, Skulduggery darling. That hat was... It was the only thing that could save us." She began to cry. Skulduggery tilted his head sideways. "I have an idea."

TWO HOURS LATER

Skulduggery stood, his head missing. Fletcher held it in his arms. "You sure about this?" He said, cradling it like it was a baby." Skulduggery threw him a thumbs up. Literally, Fletcher shrieked as he dodged Skulduggery's hand. China picked it up and began to chew on one of the fingers. Valkyrie screamed, her leg was gone. China had eaten it within the last two seconds. Fletcher stared at them all, as they all stared at him. China drooled. "I love you." He said, gazing at her. China pouted, "Be a dear and open the portal already." She snapped.  
The teleporter did as he was told and Valkyrie laughed in approval. They all hopped through the portal, making farting noises as they did so. As soon as they were in that horrible place with all the fire and the Faceless dorks, they frowned. "How.. How did I get back here?" Skulduggery muttered, head somehow attached to his body again. Valkyrie stared off into the distance.  
China spat out Skulduggery's hand. Skulduggery stared at China. "China.." He began. The beautiful woman blinked her eyes at him. "Yes, Skulduggery?" The two stared at each other. "Were you.. Eating my hand?" China laughed, "Oh Skulduggery! You kidder!" She broke into a nervous sweat. Skulduggery bent down to retrieve his hand. "..Hrm, bite marks." He announced,  
after staring at it. Valkyrie gasped, taking a step back over the edge of a horrible cliff. They all heard the horrible noise of bone and human splatting against the ground far below. "Well."  
Skulduggery began. "That was unexpected." Fletcher nodded. China stared at him. "Weren't you meant to be keeping the portal open?" Fletcher shrugged, then exploded. China had a look of horror on her face as disgusting pieces of Fletcher got stuck in her hair. Skulduggery nodded in agreement to Fletcher's explosion. "We should all go home." He mused, voice slightly sad. China nodded, then randomly combusted. Skulduggery sat down, and began poking the remains of Fletcher and China. Valkyrie poked his shoulder. "Skulduggery?" She whispered. The Skeleton detective jumped up in surprise and spun around to face her. Valkyrie's eyes opened wide as she screamed. "OH MY GOD, SKULDUGGERY! YOU'RE A SKELETON!" She flailed around, crying and screaming. Skulduggery gave her a sombrero. "Sh, it's alright. It's alright." He consoled her. Valkyrie sniffled. " You.. I thought.. You were a taco.." Darquesse laughed and sent a punch into Skulduggery's chest, the force sent him flying backwards. Darkness leaked from Skulduggery as Lord Vile emerged. The two danced on the dead remains of Fletcher and China. Darquesse licked her elbow.

Skulduggery gasped as he came out of his meditation, "Oh my god... What a terrible dream." He glanced around and laughed halfheartedly. "What to do..?" A sigh floated from his non existent lips as sadness overtook him. He had lost track of how long he had been in the Faceless Ones Realm. They had tortured him heard footsteps and played dead.  
He heard a whimper as he saw what looked like Valkyrie.. Valkyrie? His hopes soared, but were extinguished as soon as he realized he had gone through all this before. A single thought now drifted into his head. 'She's not real'. He laughed on the inside, might as well make the best of a simply hopeless situation. The hallucination walked slowly up to him. 'Hello?" It whispered.  
He lay on the ground and didn't move. "It's me. I've come to take you back. Can you hear me? I found you." Not even a breeze stirred him. It knelt by him as a sad look crossed It's face.  
"Please say something. Please. I've missed you so much and I've worked so hard to find you. Please." The Hallucination reached out to touch him, and Skulduggery Pleasant whipped his head to her and roared, "BOO!" The Fake Valkyrie shrieked and scrambled back, and Skulduggery laughed hysterically like it was the funniest thing he had ever seen. He was still laughing when the hallucination got to her feet...

As Skulduggery lay on the slightly damp grass of his realm he looked around in shock and amazement. He slowly stood up and continued to gaze at his surroundings. "Good god." He said softly.  
"I'm home." He half expected everyone to start dancing or dying or licking their elbows. But they didn't. And then Skulduggery randomly exploded. Leaving everyone in a state of shock.

_That was the most random thing I've ever written. Seriously. I was giggling all the way through it. That was fun to write. It wasn't that good, had almost no story line, and had China Sorrows acting like an idiot. And I loved writing it. Peace!_ -**Clawdiana**


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